The Sad Vampire by Mac Huxley
The Sad Vampire by Maccabee Huxley
There once lived a Sad Vampire. He wanted to be gothic, so he decided to go to Sephora and buy some black mascara. After trying on a few different shades of black he decided upon one. Since he was already there, he also thought it was a good idea to pick up some black nail polish.
He wanted to be more mysterious and dark than Edward from the popular teenage romance series Twilight. He then got a job at Hot Topic and listened to strictly emo music.
He then decided to cut his wrists so he could show everyone how depressed he was, it also allowed him to drink his own blood.
He felt like he still wasn't showing the world how truly depressed he was, so he felt the urge to to escalate his tactics to a whole new level and decided to do something far more drastic.
The following day he went to the supermarket and bought a jar of minced garlic. He returned home, played some depressing music, and began writing his suicide note.
After completion of his suicide note he grabbed a silver spoon and cracked open the minced garlic. He scooped out a hefty spoonful of garlic and ate it!
He shed a tear and then waited for his death, and waited, and waited.....and waited. After hours passed, he was perplexed. He scratched his head and pondered, he grabbed the minced garlic and read the ingredients. It read, 100% Garlic. He then called the 1-800 customer support line that was listed on the jar and informed them that he believed he received a bad batch of garlic. They reassured him that they would send him a new jar.
He then went online and found his way into the dark web of conspiracies. Hoping to discover that perhaps garlic did not actually kill vampires, but to no avail.
Finally he decided to purchase an Ancestry DNA kit. He took a swab of his DNA and mailed it back. He waited, waited, waited, and waited...until he finally received his results.
The Vampire anxiously read his results, it showed that he was 55% Romanian, 15% German, 10% Scandinavian, 6% East Asian, 3% Sub-Saharan African and 1% Cherokee Indian. The vampire was not only befuddled but he was distraught in learning that he was actually not a vampire at all. Not even a single percent Vampirian. He cried out, "Who am I!?"
In a state of hysteria, he rushed to his mother's medicine cabinet and found a bottle of pills and ingested them all at once. He wiped away his tears and laid on his bed. He proceeded to play gloomy music and waited, and waited, and waited....and waited but still the grim reaper wasn't showing up.
"What the fuck?" The sad non-Vampirian boy thought to himself. He tried to look up the Grim Reaper's phone number but to no avail. He found his Instagram page and sent him a direct message saying, "Where you at fam?" He waited, waited, waited, and waited....and waited...but did not receive a response.
The sad non-Vampirian boy soon found out that the pills he took were actually just birth control pills. So the next 5 days he had to deal with some nausea and tender nipples.